Ting-Hsuan Chen • A pinch of happiness per day

Sometimes as an antidote
To fear of death,
I eat the stars.

Those nights, lying on my back,
I suck them from the quenching dark
Til they are all, all inside me,
Pepper hot and sharp
-by Rebecca Elson

This is the poem where the book title I eat the star comes from. I admit that the book cover IS the reason I bought this book, even though a quick flip through the first chapter made it seem far too pessimistic to me. The author, Sarah Wilson, thinks that there’s little point on holding on to the hope of a greener planet in the future because we’ve already missed the tipping point at which we could have done something to stop global warming. 

After trying so hard to keep myself on the track of ‘optimism‘ all these years, while being aware of all the economic, environmental, democratic and humanistic crises happening in the world, I felt my heart sinking when reading this. I tried to find words to defend against it, but came up empty-handed. 

Yes, I know some of my friends probably would roll their eyes when they hear me talking about things that may seem too intangible and tell me that I’m too sentimental and think too much. But hey, perhaps as someone whose Sun is Sagittarius in the third House, I can’t help but keeping thinking about what the purpose of living a happy and successful life is if the world, and our future as a whole community, is doomed to become grim because of everything we’ve done or failed to do.

But then she writes, “I get up every day buzzing with an ‘onward’ energy…continue to think there is something positive to fight for, to reach for.” It’s just that hope is no longer the destination.

Perhaps we keep moving forward, walking along the path we choose because it reflects a positive value, with good intentions, without holding on to an unrealistic hope, or to a fixed picture of future that is not entirely within our control. 

Perhaps, without tying our actions to a static destination, we are freer to accept that whatever happens, happens for us, not to us.

#i_eat_the_stars

有時作為一種解藥
對死亡的恐懼，
我吞食星辰。

那些夜晚，我仰躺著，
從乾渴的黑暗中將它們吸入
直到它們全都、全都進入我的體內，
辛辣而灼熱。
——Rebecca Elson

這首詩是書名 I Eat the Stars 的靈感來源。我承認我是因為書的封面而買這本書的，雖然在隨手翻閱第一章時，我並不喜歡它的悲觀。作者 Sarah Wilson 認為繼續對綠色地球的未來懷抱希望已經沒有太大意義，因為我們早已錯過了能夠阻止全球暖化的臨界點。

這幾年來，即使清楚地意識到世界上正在發生的各種經濟、環境、民主與人道危機，我還是一直努力讓自己維持樂觀、懷抱希望。但當我讀到這些內容時，還是忍不住被動搖了。即使我試著找出可以反駁的話卻語塞。

好啦我知道有些親友聽我提這些過於「高遠」的事情時可能會翻白眼，覺得我想太多。但作為一個太陽射手人，我就是忍不住會去想：如果因爲我們所做的一切與消極的不作為，使得這個世界以及我們作為整個群體的未來註定變得灰暗，那麼追求一個「快樂」與「成功」的人生究竟還有什麼意義？

但她接著寫道：「我每天醒來時都充滿一種‘前進’的能量……持續相信仍然有值得奮鬥、值得追尋的正向事物。」只是那些「希望」已不再是目的地。

也許我們不停地向前邁進，堅持走在我們選擇的道路上，因為那條路承載著正向的價值與善意，而不必執著於不切實際的希望，或是一幅不在我們掌控之中的願景。

也許當我們不再把行動綁定於一個無法變動的目的地時，我們反而更能自在地接受：無論發生了什麼事，都是為了我們而發生。